Friday, 6 July 2012

Spiralling Out Of Control

Mr C learnt many valuable lessons during his time in rehab. The most important of these was "stay away from murkey puddles". These murkey puddles have proved to be Mr C's downfall, he tries to say away from them but when life throws him a curveball, he heads straight for them. As a recovering addict, there's always going to be a constant battle with temptation. Everyone has moments of weakness, but my partner seems to have more than his fair share of them! I'm constantly having to stay one step ahead of him which is not always easy in the sense that I feel like I'm expecting him to fail, which isn't the case. I try my best to keep him away from people and situations which have the potential to cause harm to him and his progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm not giving him enough credit but we both no he has very little self control - if he had more he wouldn't be binge drinking and doing things he knows will upset me and put a strain on our relationship. He really needs to start attending regular meetings and get ongoing support for his addiction. At the end of the day, there's only so much I can do to help him, he needs to find it within himself to make the right choices, not rely on me to keep him out of trouble. I will always help him in any way I can but he needs professional help and to be willing to help himself.

Finally, after ringing the hospital again last week, Mr C has been given an appointment in August. I am dreading what the consultant will say. My partners last blood test results were very worrying to say the least and I'm terrified he has done yet more irrepairable damage to his liver. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he can be put forward to try Telaprevir this year. Anything is worth trying at this point, even if it means 12 months of horrendous side effects, at least we would be doing *something* instead of sitting here letting the virus run rampant.

I hate seeing the man I love in so much pain. Sometimes it's physical, sometimes mental, most days it's a combination of both. He's hardly sleeping, has pretty much lost his appetite, has no energy, is getting long episodes of cold sweats both during the day and through the night, and is picking up all kinds of viruses and infections at the minute. Plus there's the fact that he's been totally devoid of a libido for well over 6 months and is constantly depressed with days where he's feeling suicidal. I feel utterly helpless, and I'm a control freak at the best of times so feeling helpless drives me mad and often sets off my own bouts of depression.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Turns Out, Laptops Don't Like Water...

Wow, it has been a very long time since I have updated this blog! My partner drinks a lot of water, pints and pints of the stuff. Unfortunately, he has a nasty habit of leaving a pint of water on the coffee table and my laptop open and running, directly underneath. The inevitable happened and I found myself with a very dead laptop, thankfully my lovely Dad surprised me with a replacement laptop and that is why I am finally back on line after so long.

So, a lot has gone on in the time I have been away. Mr C has once again drunk a ridiculous amount of alcohol and is still suffering a month on. He never seems to learn his lesson. This particular occasion was the worst I have ever seen him - he lost all control and turned into what can only be described as a monster. I had to put up with him kissing and throwing himself at other women constantly, as well as him totally neglecting the duties he had that day (we were hosting a huge event). It is safe to see, that day was up there in my top 5 worst days ever. I cannot be angry at him though, as much as I want to be, I know that he has a problem with drink. He would never in a million years even dream of speaking to me in the way he did that day let alone treat me the way he did, had it not been for the sheer amount of alcohol he'd consumed. He's a big guy and can a lot, but he has absolutely no recollection of that day from 4pm onwards; just a huge blank. That in itself is scary, add to that the fact that his liver is already on it's way out - you can imagine what kind of state he is in now healthwise. There hasn't been a single day since then that he's felt anything like normal. He's sweating terribly just eating and taking the dog for a 10 minute walk. I am terrified when I think of the damage that he must have done to himself. At the end of the day though, he is an adult and is responsible for himself. I wish I could make him understand the pain and upset he's putting me through but he just doesn't seem to get it at all. Or maybe he just doesn't want to acknowledge it as it will only make him feel worse. His depression is worse than ever, I think that is a combination of the Hep taking hold after his binge and the reality of what he's done to himself and to me.

Yesterday things came to a head and I begged him to get help. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my partner is in a tough position as he was a Criminal Justice Drugs worker and cannot go to support groups without bumping into ex-clients. He keeps his illness from everyone except close family and friends so has always avoided support groups. We were thrilled to discover that an old colleague of his is now running a new Hep C support group and is looking for someone to help out. This means that my partner can get all the benefits from attending meetings and retain his privacy at the same time as nobody need know that he is suffering from Hep C himself.

Mr C's appointment with his Consultant has been put back about 3 times now. He's supposed to see him twice a year but hasn't seen him for over a year now. There is apparently some kind of backlog and despite his GP having written the hospital at least 3 letters requesting an emergency appointment, we are still waiting. The last we heard, the appointment should be coming through soon for July/August. There is a lot we want to discuss with the Consultant. Telaprevir has been given to some patients who attend the same hospital and we're hoping my partner could also try it as so far it seems to be the most viable option considering his genotype and treatment history. Also, we have now reached a point in our relationship where we really need some kind of counselling or for my partner to try psychotherapy as we have absolutely no intimacy whatsoever because of all the psychological issues he is experiencing due to the Hep and other issues from his past.

Anyway, I'll be making regular updates now I have a laptop again so will let you know how things are progressing.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Booze is Bad!

My partner is having an ongoing battle with the booze at the moment. A couple of weeks ago we went to our babysitters 18th birthday tea party. Everything was fine and he was enjoying himself, tucking into the buffet, until the alcohol came out. It wasn't even much really. Everyone except my partner toasted the birthday girl with a small glass of Champagne and the the majority of the guests had another glass or two of wine, punch or G&T. As I was driving I didn't have any more drink but a couple of guests gstarted to get a little "merry" and a lot louder. It was at this moment, my partner realised he couldn't be in that environment and we made our excuses and left. He explained that he had absolutely no tolerance for dealing with drunk people. Even close friends, even when they were just a little merry and enjoying a special day.

On Friday we went out to one of our local music venues, we only went to say hello to a few friends and say goodbye to the venue which was clsoing after decades at the forefront of the live music scene in our city. We ended up staying about 90 minutes. My partner had 2 cans of lager and wasn't "feeling it"and wasn't feeling too good either. After 9 weeks without a drop of alcohol passing his lips, his body was not exactly thrilled to have to filter out the toxins again!

On Saturday we were invited last minute to a gig. We had planned on staying in and having a quiet night but the fact that we'd been put on the guestlist (saving us £34) and that it was a band I'd loved for almost 20 years and never had the chance to see live, was too great a lure! Again, my partner had 2 cans of lager over the couple of hours we were there. He had a brilliant night but admitted he was feeling the negative effects of the alcohol again. The only way he could describe it was that his body felt polluted and he felt as if he was overflowing with bile. He's had an upset stomache ever since too, which is yet aother sign that his body just can't deal with alcohol anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure why he persists in trying to drink - I wouldn't if it were me.

On Sunday we spent the day at my parents. My Mum is going into hospital on the 19th of March for her 2nd operation to remove the cancer from her leg. I had one small glass of sparkling Perry with our meal and my partner had a couple of large glasses. He didn't complain so much about any after effects but he seems tired and lethargic these days whereas last week he was full of life.

I wish I could get him to stop the drink alltogether. He keeps telling me he wouldn't enjoy going out unless he could drink. I keep explaining I have a great night everytime I go out and hardly ever drink at all - even when I'm not driving I'll only have one or two small drinks yet I still have a brilliant night out. It's the people you are with and what you are doing that brings enjoyment, not the chemicals you put into your body.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

Up And Down And Round And Round

Well, I am finally back to the land of blogging after taking a short break. I wish I could say we actually went on a break away somewhere but we didn't - I just didn't have the right state of mind to get on here and update you.

My partners moods have been very up and down, he's not sleeping well either which doesn't help. Every night it takes him hours to get off to sleep and when he finally does, he's plagued with nightmares. We had been invited to a fundraising event on Friday and Saturday - a music even to raise money for various womens charities. The organiser knows us and our money situation and had told us she'd let us in for free. Unfortunately, on our way over, my partner suddenly went into one of "black moods" and we decided to turn round and come home. As much as I was looking forward to going out and seeing some of our friends, I didn't want to risk Mr C getting into fights. his black moods as he calls them make him full of rage and he feels incredibly violent. I know he'd never touch me or the children but it would only take something tiny to make him fly off the handle with someone else.

We drove over to see one of his best friends at the weekend. They used to work together and she acts as his therapist. He was very disappointed that we only got to see her for 10 minutes as she was busy with family stuff but thay have arranged to meet for dinner today. I just hope he doesn't cancel like he did last month when he was feeling depressed and didn't want to see anyone.

A few nights ago my partner took me by surprised and told me he wanted us to try for a baby. I was very taken aback as I didn't think he was ready emotioonally for such a big commitment. I told him the thought of us trying for a baby was lovely and we left it at that. However, the next day he was quite ill. He thinks it's his liver as he's extremely tired and feeling nausious all te time. He's also been suffering with bad diarroeah for a couple of days too. He was laid on the sofa when he told me he thinks his liver is "on the way out". I'm not really sure where that leaves us to be honest. I would love us to have a baby but I am terrified by the thought of him being very ill and then dying, leaving me with a baby to bring up on my own. I guess that sounds selfish. I already have two children and know how hard it has been raising them. I desperately want us to be able to have children together but at the same time I have to take into consideration the emotional rollercoaster we will all have to endure if my partner gets ill. Is it fair to bring a child into thhis world, knowing full well one of its parents is not going to be around to watch them grow up?

I know there are no guarantees in life. I could die tomorrow, any of us could. But when you have been told you have around 5 years, is it wise to stick your head in the sand and just live for today?

Monday, 27 February 2012

Stress, Stress And More Stress

Mr C has been down the past few days. Waiting for his CRB to come through so he can start work, being skint and "having nothing to look forward to" is taking its toll. Thankfully, his health is remaining stable and his knee is back on the mend again.

There was a family friendly music event on Saturday, a benefit for Sophie Lancaster and a birthday bash for two of our friends. I thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and do something fun as a family but he wasn't in the mood for socialising and certainly not for socialising with people who were drinking. A lot of our friends were there and I'm sure he would have enjoyed it had he gone. I went with our five year old daughter instead who thoroughly enjoyed herself and it was nice for my partner to have some quality time with my son - they had a nice quiet evening in with a takeaway so everyone was happy. I still can't understand why he finds it impossible to go out and not drink. Almost every time I go out I don't drink or only have one or two drinks. He said last night that he is going to distance himself from all his friends that drink and find new ones - I can understand why he feels the need to do this. As an addict he removes himself from situations and groups of friends who take part in certain things...but I never imagined he would have to end strong friendships for the sake of alcohol.

I'm hearing about more and more people in the UK receiving Telaprevir, I'm still not sure if they are part of trials or have just been prescribed it but I'm hoping this means we are a step closer to Mr C getting another chance at beating Hep C once and for all.

I think I'm going to start putting a little bit of money away each week so I can save enough for us to go away for a couple of days. We're both in desperate need of a change of scenery and a break from all this. Even if it's just one night away in a cheap B&B somewhere. But with money being so tight, I guess I'll have to work some home economics magic!!

Friday, 24 February 2012

In Need Of a Break!

The past couple of days have been quite hard going. Yesterday I had a really bad day with my depression. Our finances are dire and it hit me that in a few days when the bills come out, I'll literally be pennyless. I've never, ever been so broke in my life and it's terrifying to say the least.

Mr C got a letter yesterday from the care home saying that although they were very impressed with him there had been another candidate who fulfilled their criteria a bit better but they'd be keeping his details on file for any upcoming jobs. We're still waiting on his CRB to come back so he can start the job he was offered. In the meantime, the other interview he was supposed to be having today has been pushed back a week. He's really hoping he might get that job as it's the 3rd time he's been called for an interview at this organisation and he got very good feedback from them each time. It's also twice as much money as the job he's been offered which would obviously be fantastic if he got it. He's still trying to stay positive and is eating healthy which helps. Other than the knee pain I mentioned before, he's doing well healthwise.

I'm going to have to keep an eye on him though as he's been gambling again which is worrying me. He used my bank card last week at the bookies and lost £120 of my money which meant after paying me back £100 of it, he was skint and couldn't pay me the £70 which he's started paying me every 2 weeks to pay back what he owes me and to contribute towards bills.

I really could do with a break away from it all as it's really starting to get me down!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Rising Above It

Considering yesterdays mood, today hasn't been bad at all really. My partner has been in quite good spirits and is refusing to let the job situation get him down. The job interview he was supposed to be attending on Friday has been put back a week to the following Friday so even more sitting around waiting is on the cards! Other than his knee bothering him ( the doctor told him last year the cushiony bit inside his knee cap had worn away) he's been good healthwise.

I've heard rumours that some people in the UK are receiving Telaprevir at the moment and one is attending the same hospital as my partner does so fingers crossed there's some hope for a successful treatment after all!