Mr C learnt many valuable lessons during his time in rehab. The most important of these was "stay away from murkey puddles". These murkey puddles have proved to be Mr C's downfall, he tries to say away from them but when life throws him a curveball, he heads straight for them. As a recovering addict, there's always going to be a constant battle with temptation. Everyone has moments of weakness, but my partner seems to have more than his fair share of them! I'm constantly having to stay one step ahead of him which is not always easy in the sense that I feel like I'm expecting him to fail, which isn't the case. I try my best to keep him away from people and situations which have the potential to cause harm to him and his progress. Sometimes I feel like I'm not giving him enough credit but we both no he has very little self control - if he had more he wouldn't be binge drinking and doing things he knows will upset me and put a strain on our relationship. He really needs to start attending regular meetings and get ongoing support for his addiction. At the end of the day, there's only so much I can do to help him, he needs to find it within himself to make the right choices, not rely on me to keep him out of trouble. I will always help him in any way I can but he needs professional help and to be willing to help himself.
Finally, after ringing the hospital again last week, Mr C has been given an appointment in August. I am dreading what the consultant will say. My partners last blood test results were very worrying to say the least and I'm terrified he has done yet more irrepairable damage to his liver. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he can be put forward to try Telaprevir this year. Anything is worth trying at this point, even if it means 12 months of horrendous side effects, at least we would be doing *something* instead of sitting here letting the virus run rampant.
I hate seeing the man I love in so much pain. Sometimes it's physical, sometimes mental, most days it's a combination of both. He's hardly sleeping, has pretty much lost his appetite, has no energy, is getting long episodes of cold sweats both during the day and through the night, and is picking up all kinds of viruses and infections at the minute. Plus there's the fact that he's been totally devoid of a libido for well over 6 months and is constantly depressed with days where he's feeling suicidal. I feel utterly helpless, and I'm a control freak at the best of times so feeling helpless drives me mad and often sets off my own bouts of depression.
Friday 6 July 2012
Wednesday 27 June 2012
Turns Out, Laptops Don't Like Water...
Wow, it has been a very long time since I have updated this blog! My partner drinks a lot of water, pints and pints of the stuff. Unfortunately, he has a nasty habit of leaving a pint of water on the coffee table and my laptop open and running, directly underneath. The inevitable happened and I found myself with a very dead laptop, thankfully my lovely Dad surprised me with a replacement laptop and that is why I am finally back on line after so long.
So, a lot has gone on in the time I have been away. Mr C has once again drunk a ridiculous amount of alcohol and is still suffering a month on. He never seems to learn his lesson. This particular occasion was the worst I have ever seen him - he lost all control and turned into what can only be described as a monster. I had to put up with him kissing and throwing himself at other women constantly, as well as him totally neglecting the duties he had that day (we were hosting a huge event). It is safe to see, that day was up there in my top 5 worst days ever. I cannot be angry at him though, as much as I want to be, I know that he has a problem with drink. He would never in a million years even dream of speaking to me in the way he did that day let alone treat me the way he did, had it not been for the sheer amount of alcohol he'd consumed. He's a big guy and can a lot, but he has absolutely no recollection of that day from 4pm onwards; just a huge blank. That in itself is scary, add to that the fact that his liver is already on it's way out - you can imagine what kind of state he is in now healthwise. There hasn't been a single day since then that he's felt anything like normal. He's sweating terribly just eating and taking the dog for a 10 minute walk. I am terrified when I think of the damage that he must have done to himself. At the end of the day though, he is an adult and is responsible for himself. I wish I could make him understand the pain and upset he's putting me through but he just doesn't seem to get it at all. Or maybe he just doesn't want to acknowledge it as it will only make him feel worse. His depression is worse than ever, I think that is a combination of the Hep taking hold after his binge and the reality of what he's done to himself and to me.
Yesterday things came to a head and I begged him to get help. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my partner is in a tough position as he was a Criminal Justice Drugs worker and cannot go to support groups without bumping into ex-clients. He keeps his illness from everyone except close family and friends so has always avoided support groups. We were thrilled to discover that an old colleague of his is now running a new Hep C support group and is looking for someone to help out. This means that my partner can get all the benefits from attending meetings and retain his privacy at the same time as nobody need know that he is suffering from Hep C himself.
Mr C's appointment with his Consultant has been put back about 3 times now. He's supposed to see him twice a year but hasn't seen him for over a year now. There is apparently some kind of backlog and despite his GP having written the hospital at least 3 letters requesting an emergency appointment, we are still waiting. The last we heard, the appointment should be coming through soon for July/August. There is a lot we want to discuss with the Consultant. Telaprevir has been given to some patients who attend the same hospital and we're hoping my partner could also try it as so far it seems to be the most viable option considering his genotype and treatment history. Also, we have now reached a point in our relationship where we really need some kind of counselling or for my partner to try psychotherapy as we have absolutely no intimacy whatsoever because of all the psychological issues he is experiencing due to the Hep and other issues from his past.
Anyway, I'll be making regular updates now I have a laptop again so will let you know how things are progressing.
So, a lot has gone on in the time I have been away. Mr C has once again drunk a ridiculous amount of alcohol and is still suffering a month on. He never seems to learn his lesson. This particular occasion was the worst I have ever seen him - he lost all control and turned into what can only be described as a monster. I had to put up with him kissing and throwing himself at other women constantly, as well as him totally neglecting the duties he had that day (we were hosting a huge event). It is safe to see, that day was up there in my top 5 worst days ever. I cannot be angry at him though, as much as I want to be, I know that he has a problem with drink. He would never in a million years even dream of speaking to me in the way he did that day let alone treat me the way he did, had it not been for the sheer amount of alcohol he'd consumed. He's a big guy and can a lot, but he has absolutely no recollection of that day from 4pm onwards; just a huge blank. That in itself is scary, add to that the fact that his liver is already on it's way out - you can imagine what kind of state he is in now healthwise. There hasn't been a single day since then that he's felt anything like normal. He's sweating terribly just eating and taking the dog for a 10 minute walk. I am terrified when I think of the damage that he must have done to himself. At the end of the day though, he is an adult and is responsible for himself. I wish I could make him understand the pain and upset he's putting me through but he just doesn't seem to get it at all. Or maybe he just doesn't want to acknowledge it as it will only make him feel worse. His depression is worse than ever, I think that is a combination of the Hep taking hold after his binge and the reality of what he's done to himself and to me.
Yesterday things came to a head and I begged him to get help. As I've mentioned in previous posts, my partner is in a tough position as he was a Criminal Justice Drugs worker and cannot go to support groups without bumping into ex-clients. He keeps his illness from everyone except close family and friends so has always avoided support groups. We were thrilled to discover that an old colleague of his is now running a new Hep C support group and is looking for someone to help out. This means that my partner can get all the benefits from attending meetings and retain his privacy at the same time as nobody need know that he is suffering from Hep C himself.
Mr C's appointment with his Consultant has been put back about 3 times now. He's supposed to see him twice a year but hasn't seen him for over a year now. There is apparently some kind of backlog and despite his GP having written the hospital at least 3 letters requesting an emergency appointment, we are still waiting. The last we heard, the appointment should be coming through soon for July/August. There is a lot we want to discuss with the Consultant. Telaprevir has been given to some patients who attend the same hospital and we're hoping my partner could also try it as so far it seems to be the most viable option considering his genotype and treatment history. Also, we have now reached a point in our relationship where we really need some kind of counselling or for my partner to try psychotherapy as we have absolutely no intimacy whatsoever because of all the psychological issues he is experiencing due to the Hep and other issues from his past.
Anyway, I'll be making regular updates now I have a laptop again so will let you know how things are progressing.
Tuesday 13 March 2012
Booze is Bad!
My partner is having an ongoing battle with the booze at the moment. A couple of weeks ago we went to our babysitters 18th birthday tea party. Everything was fine and he was enjoying himself, tucking into the buffet, until the alcohol came out. It wasn't even much really. Everyone except my partner toasted the birthday girl with a small glass of Champagne and the the majority of the guests had another glass or two of wine, punch or G&T. As I was driving I didn't have any more drink but a couple of guests gstarted to get a little "merry" and a lot louder. It was at this moment, my partner realised he couldn't be in that environment and we made our excuses and left. He explained that he had absolutely no tolerance for dealing with drunk people. Even close friends, even when they were just a little merry and enjoying a special day.
On Friday we went out to one of our local music venues, we only went to say hello to a few friends and say goodbye to the venue which was clsoing after decades at the forefront of the live music scene in our city. We ended up staying about 90 minutes. My partner had 2 cans of lager and wasn't "feeling it"and wasn't feeling too good either. After 9 weeks without a drop of alcohol passing his lips, his body was not exactly thrilled to have to filter out the toxins again!
On Saturday we were invited last minute to a gig. We had planned on staying in and having a quiet night but the fact that we'd been put on the guestlist (saving us £34) and that it was a band I'd loved for almost 20 years and never had the chance to see live, was too great a lure! Again, my partner had 2 cans of lager over the couple of hours we were there. He had a brilliant night but admitted he was feeling the negative effects of the alcohol again. The only way he could describe it was that his body felt polluted and he felt as if he was overflowing with bile. He's had an upset stomache ever since too, which is yet aother sign that his body just can't deal with alcohol anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure why he persists in trying to drink - I wouldn't if it were me.
On Sunday we spent the day at my parents. My Mum is going into hospital on the 19th of March for her 2nd operation to remove the cancer from her leg. I had one small glass of sparkling Perry with our meal and my partner had a couple of large glasses. He didn't complain so much about any after effects but he seems tired and lethargic these days whereas last week he was full of life.
I wish I could get him to stop the drink alltogether. He keeps telling me he wouldn't enjoy going out unless he could drink. I keep explaining I have a great night everytime I go out and hardly ever drink at all - even when I'm not driving I'll only have one or two small drinks yet I still have a brilliant night out. It's the people you are with and what you are doing that brings enjoyment, not the chemicals you put into your body.
On Friday we went out to one of our local music venues, we only went to say hello to a few friends and say goodbye to the venue which was clsoing after decades at the forefront of the live music scene in our city. We ended up staying about 90 minutes. My partner had 2 cans of lager and wasn't "feeling it"and wasn't feeling too good either. After 9 weeks without a drop of alcohol passing his lips, his body was not exactly thrilled to have to filter out the toxins again!
On Saturday we were invited last minute to a gig. We had planned on staying in and having a quiet night but the fact that we'd been put on the guestlist (saving us £34) and that it was a band I'd loved for almost 20 years and never had the chance to see live, was too great a lure! Again, my partner had 2 cans of lager over the couple of hours we were there. He had a brilliant night but admitted he was feeling the negative effects of the alcohol again. The only way he could describe it was that his body felt polluted and he felt as if he was overflowing with bile. He's had an upset stomache ever since too, which is yet aother sign that his body just can't deal with alcohol anymore. To be honest, I'm not sure why he persists in trying to drink - I wouldn't if it were me.
On Sunday we spent the day at my parents. My Mum is going into hospital on the 19th of March for her 2nd operation to remove the cancer from her leg. I had one small glass of sparkling Perry with our meal and my partner had a couple of large glasses. He didn't complain so much about any after effects but he seems tired and lethargic these days whereas last week he was full of life.
I wish I could get him to stop the drink alltogether. He keeps telling me he wouldn't enjoy going out unless he could drink. I keep explaining I have a great night everytime I go out and hardly ever drink at all - even when I'm not driving I'll only have one or two small drinks yet I still have a brilliant night out. It's the people you are with and what you are doing that brings enjoyment, not the chemicals you put into your body.
Tuesday 6 March 2012
Up And Down And Round And Round
Well, I am finally back to the land of blogging after taking a short break. I wish I could say we actually went on a break away somewhere but we didn't - I just didn't have the right state of mind to get on here and update you.
My partners moods have been very up and down, he's not sleeping well either which doesn't help. Every night it takes him hours to get off to sleep and when he finally does, he's plagued with nightmares. We had been invited to a fundraising event on Friday and Saturday - a music even to raise money for various womens charities. The organiser knows us and our money situation and had told us she'd let us in for free. Unfortunately, on our way over, my partner suddenly went into one of "black moods" and we decided to turn round and come home. As much as I was looking forward to going out and seeing some of our friends, I didn't want to risk Mr C getting into fights. his black moods as he calls them make him full of rage and he feels incredibly violent. I know he'd never touch me or the children but it would only take something tiny to make him fly off the handle with someone else.
We drove over to see one of his best friends at the weekend. They used to work together and she acts as his therapist. He was very disappointed that we only got to see her for 10 minutes as she was busy with family stuff but thay have arranged to meet for dinner today. I just hope he doesn't cancel like he did last month when he was feeling depressed and didn't want to see anyone.
A few nights ago my partner took me by surprised and told me he wanted us to try for a baby. I was very taken aback as I didn't think he was ready emotioonally for such a big commitment. I told him the thought of us trying for a baby was lovely and we left it at that. However, the next day he was quite ill. He thinks it's his liver as he's extremely tired and feeling nausious all te time. He's also been suffering with bad diarroeah for a couple of days too. He was laid on the sofa when he told me he thinks his liver is "on the way out". I'm not really sure where that leaves us to be honest. I would love us to have a baby but I am terrified by the thought of him being very ill and then dying, leaving me with a baby to bring up on my own. I guess that sounds selfish. I already have two children and know how hard it has been raising them. I desperately want us to be able to have children together but at the same time I have to take into consideration the emotional rollercoaster we will all have to endure if my partner gets ill. Is it fair to bring a child into thhis world, knowing full well one of its parents is not going to be around to watch them grow up?
I know there are no guarantees in life. I could die tomorrow, any of us could. But when you have been told you have around 5 years, is it wise to stick your head in the sand and just live for today?
My partners moods have been very up and down, he's not sleeping well either which doesn't help. Every night it takes him hours to get off to sleep and when he finally does, he's plagued with nightmares. We had been invited to a fundraising event on Friday and Saturday - a music even to raise money for various womens charities. The organiser knows us and our money situation and had told us she'd let us in for free. Unfortunately, on our way over, my partner suddenly went into one of "black moods" and we decided to turn round and come home. As much as I was looking forward to going out and seeing some of our friends, I didn't want to risk Mr C getting into fights. his black moods as he calls them make him full of rage and he feels incredibly violent. I know he'd never touch me or the children but it would only take something tiny to make him fly off the handle with someone else.
We drove over to see one of his best friends at the weekend. They used to work together and she acts as his therapist. He was very disappointed that we only got to see her for 10 minutes as she was busy with family stuff but thay have arranged to meet for dinner today. I just hope he doesn't cancel like he did last month when he was feeling depressed and didn't want to see anyone.
A few nights ago my partner took me by surprised and told me he wanted us to try for a baby. I was very taken aback as I didn't think he was ready emotioonally for such a big commitment. I told him the thought of us trying for a baby was lovely and we left it at that. However, the next day he was quite ill. He thinks it's his liver as he's extremely tired and feeling nausious all te time. He's also been suffering with bad diarroeah for a couple of days too. He was laid on the sofa when he told me he thinks his liver is "on the way out". I'm not really sure where that leaves us to be honest. I would love us to have a baby but I am terrified by the thought of him being very ill and then dying, leaving me with a baby to bring up on my own. I guess that sounds selfish. I already have two children and know how hard it has been raising them. I desperately want us to be able to have children together but at the same time I have to take into consideration the emotional rollercoaster we will all have to endure if my partner gets ill. Is it fair to bring a child into thhis world, knowing full well one of its parents is not going to be around to watch them grow up?
I know there are no guarantees in life. I could die tomorrow, any of us could. But when you have been told you have around 5 years, is it wise to stick your head in the sand and just live for today?
Monday 27 February 2012
Stress, Stress And More Stress
Mr C has been down the past few days. Waiting for his CRB to come through so he can start work, being skint and "having nothing to look forward to" is taking its toll. Thankfully, his health is remaining stable and his knee is back on the mend again.
There was a family friendly music event on Saturday, a benefit for Sophie Lancaster and a birthday bash for two of our friends. I thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and do something fun as a family but he wasn't in the mood for socialising and certainly not for socialising with people who were drinking. A lot of our friends were there and I'm sure he would have enjoyed it had he gone. I went with our five year old daughter instead who thoroughly enjoyed herself and it was nice for my partner to have some quality time with my son - they had a nice quiet evening in with a takeaway so everyone was happy. I still can't understand why he finds it impossible to go out and not drink. Almost every time I go out I don't drink or only have one or two drinks. He said last night that he is going to distance himself from all his friends that drink and find new ones - I can understand why he feels the need to do this. As an addict he removes himself from situations and groups of friends who take part in certain things...but I never imagined he would have to end strong friendships for the sake of alcohol.
I'm hearing about more and more people in the UK receiving Telaprevir, I'm still not sure if they are part of trials or have just been prescribed it but I'm hoping this means we are a step closer to Mr C getting another chance at beating Hep C once and for all.
I think I'm going to start putting a little bit of money away each week so I can save enough for us to go away for a couple of days. We're both in desperate need of a change of scenery and a break from all this. Even if it's just one night away in a cheap B&B somewhere. But with money being so tight, I guess I'll have to work some home economics magic!!
There was a family friendly music event on Saturday, a benefit for Sophie Lancaster and a birthday bash for two of our friends. I thought it would be good for us to get out of the house and do something fun as a family but he wasn't in the mood for socialising and certainly not for socialising with people who were drinking. A lot of our friends were there and I'm sure he would have enjoyed it had he gone. I went with our five year old daughter instead who thoroughly enjoyed herself and it was nice for my partner to have some quality time with my son - they had a nice quiet evening in with a takeaway so everyone was happy. I still can't understand why he finds it impossible to go out and not drink. Almost every time I go out I don't drink or only have one or two drinks. He said last night that he is going to distance himself from all his friends that drink and find new ones - I can understand why he feels the need to do this. As an addict he removes himself from situations and groups of friends who take part in certain things...but I never imagined he would have to end strong friendships for the sake of alcohol.
I'm hearing about more and more people in the UK receiving Telaprevir, I'm still not sure if they are part of trials or have just been prescribed it but I'm hoping this means we are a step closer to Mr C getting another chance at beating Hep C once and for all.
I think I'm going to start putting a little bit of money away each week so I can save enough for us to go away for a couple of days. We're both in desperate need of a change of scenery and a break from all this. Even if it's just one night away in a cheap B&B somewhere. But with money being so tight, I guess I'll have to work some home economics magic!!
Friday 24 February 2012
In Need Of a Break!
The past couple of days have been quite hard going. Yesterday I had a really bad day with my depression. Our finances are dire and it hit me that in a few days when the bills come out, I'll literally be pennyless. I've never, ever been so broke in my life and it's terrifying to say the least.
Mr C got a letter yesterday from the care home saying that although they were very impressed with him there had been another candidate who fulfilled their criteria a bit better but they'd be keeping his details on file for any upcoming jobs. We're still waiting on his CRB to come back so he can start the job he was offered. In the meantime, the other interview he was supposed to be having today has been pushed back a week. He's really hoping he might get that job as it's the 3rd time he's been called for an interview at this organisation and he got very good feedback from them each time. It's also twice as much money as the job he's been offered which would obviously be fantastic if he got it. He's still trying to stay positive and is eating healthy which helps. Other than the knee pain I mentioned before, he's doing well healthwise.
I'm going to have to keep an eye on him though as he's been gambling again which is worrying me. He used my bank card last week at the bookies and lost £120 of my money which meant after paying me back £100 of it, he was skint and couldn't pay me the £70 which he's started paying me every 2 weeks to pay back what he owes me and to contribute towards bills.
I really could do with a break away from it all as it's really starting to get me down!
Mr C got a letter yesterday from the care home saying that although they were very impressed with him there had been another candidate who fulfilled their criteria a bit better but they'd be keeping his details on file for any upcoming jobs. We're still waiting on his CRB to come back so he can start the job he was offered. In the meantime, the other interview he was supposed to be having today has been pushed back a week. He's really hoping he might get that job as it's the 3rd time he's been called for an interview at this organisation and he got very good feedback from them each time. It's also twice as much money as the job he's been offered which would obviously be fantastic if he got it. He's still trying to stay positive and is eating healthy which helps. Other than the knee pain I mentioned before, he's doing well healthwise.
I'm going to have to keep an eye on him though as he's been gambling again which is worrying me. He used my bank card last week at the bookies and lost £120 of my money which meant after paying me back £100 of it, he was skint and couldn't pay me the £70 which he's started paying me every 2 weeks to pay back what he owes me and to contribute towards bills.
I really could do with a break away from it all as it's really starting to get me down!
Wednesday 22 February 2012
Rising Above It
Considering yesterdays mood, today hasn't been bad at all really. My partner has been in quite good spirits and is refusing to let the job situation get him down. The job interview he was supposed to be attending on Friday has been put back a week to the following Friday so even more sitting around waiting is on the cards! Other than his knee bothering him ( the doctor told him last year the cushiony bit inside his knee cap had worn away) he's been good healthwise.
I've heard rumours that some people in the UK are receiving Telaprevir at the moment and one is attending the same hospital as my partner does so fingers crossed there's some hope for a successful treatment after all!
I've heard rumours that some people in the UK are receiving Telaprevir at the moment and one is attending the same hospital as my partner does so fingers crossed there's some hope for a successful treatment after all!
Tuesday 21 February 2012
Promises, Promises...
My partner had an interview yesterday at a local care home. He was very happy with the way it went and was under the impression the interviewers were quite impressed with him. They told him they'd ring before lunch today to let him know if he'd got the job or not. Well..they didn't ring. We're assuming that means he hasn't got the job but I get so made when people promise to ring or email and then don't bother. It's disgraceful to get peoples hopes ups and then disappoint them like that.
Mr C's positivity has taken a severe nose dive due to this. Not only that but he's been told by the other job that he can't start until his new CRB comes back (he had one done last March so they can see he's no risk, although I completely understand why they want to wait). Unfortunately, Mr C had it in his had that convictions were "spent" after 5 years but it turns out it's 10 years for sentences over 6 months - this now means that he has 2 "unspent" convictions; which could mean he's no chance of employment until 2014 when they will finally be "spent". You can imagine what kind of head space he's in right now. Things are more than a little strained and after a few days of finally starting to relax about our finances, I'm back to panicking again.
I'm not sure if it's anything to do with his Hep or not but my partner has had an upset stomach the past week, maybe a bit longer. I really hope he's not going to end up ill again. His stomach can be very problematic. He passes blood in huge amounts when he's going through a bad episode and it scares me half to death. In fact he spent Christmas Eve the year before last in hospital and I was stuck at home worried sick about him. Luckily he's not been passing blood this time, he just has very loose stools and a feeling of something pressing or weighing down on his lowere left side of his abdomen. Hopefully he'll go and get checked out at the doctors sometime this week.
Anyway, I got a bag of goodies from my best friend today - a belated birthday pressie! My birthday goody bag consisted of a huge box of Lily O'Briens chocolates and lots of pampering bath gels, body scub, body butter, bath bombs and face masks...so I'm going to have an hour of Me Time whilst my partner has some of his own in front of the TV!
Mr C's positivity has taken a severe nose dive due to this. Not only that but he's been told by the other job that he can't start until his new CRB comes back (he had one done last March so they can see he's no risk, although I completely understand why they want to wait). Unfortunately, Mr C had it in his had that convictions were "spent" after 5 years but it turns out it's 10 years for sentences over 6 months - this now means that he has 2 "unspent" convictions; which could mean he's no chance of employment until 2014 when they will finally be "spent". You can imagine what kind of head space he's in right now. Things are more than a little strained and after a few days of finally starting to relax about our finances, I'm back to panicking again.
I'm not sure if it's anything to do with his Hep or not but my partner has had an upset stomach the past week, maybe a bit longer. I really hope he's not going to end up ill again. His stomach can be very problematic. He passes blood in huge amounts when he's going through a bad episode and it scares me half to death. In fact he spent Christmas Eve the year before last in hospital and I was stuck at home worried sick about him. Luckily he's not been passing blood this time, he just has very loose stools and a feeling of something pressing or weighing down on his lowere left side of his abdomen. Hopefully he'll go and get checked out at the doctors sometime this week.
Anyway, I got a bag of goodies from my best friend today - a belated birthday pressie! My birthday goody bag consisted of a huge box of Lily O'Briens chocolates and lots of pampering bath gels, body scub, body butter, bath bombs and face masks...so I'm going to have an hour of Me Time whilst my partner has some of his own in front of the TV!
Monday 20 February 2012
Just Another Manic Monday
Well, the weekend and the kids half term holiday are done. We had planned to do a lot of nice family things but none of us were really up to it. Hopefully next weekend we'll do something nice together to make up for it.
Mr C went for his interview at the care home today and he thinks it went very well. They told him they'd let him know by tomorrow lunchtime if he's got the job. Although he already has a concrete job offer, he would be happier with this job as it's a few minutes from our house so he'd save a fortune on travel expenses (the other job means catching 6 buses a day!).
The positivity on the job front has helped keep his spirits up no end. I don't think I've seen him this happy for such a sustained period of time before. I think he's really looking forward to getting out there and being himself again not just the guy with hep sat at home staring at the same four walls. He can't wait to be financially independant again too. I just hope his health holds outand he doesn't end up suffering with the Hep again. He did say today he's more aware now that he has to take extra good care of his body..plenty of water, decent sleep, light exercise, a very healthy diet and no alcohol.
It was my birthday on Saturday, I had a small glass of Cava to celebrate, no idea what to do with the rest of the bottle though! I think my partners biggest test this year will be next month at our first music "alldayer" of the year. If he can get through that without drinking or just having a couple of pints I'll know he's going to be alright.
If you saw ads on here recently, I started using google adsense but they disabled my account today for using the word shit in my blog. I find that a little ridiculous but there ya go. I thought it might be a nice idea to earn a little bit of money as I blogged - every little helps as they say - perhaps I'll use an alternative or maybe just leave the whole ad thing alone...
My partner has been using a Hep C online support group quite a bit recently and he's finding it very beneficial. Another user of the group who's from the UK was telling him how they're taking part in a treatment trial at the moment so hopefully we can get some more info on that and see if Mr C can jump onboard something similar!
Time for an early night, so it's bye for now
Mr C went for his interview at the care home today and he thinks it went very well. They told him they'd let him know by tomorrow lunchtime if he's got the job. Although he already has a concrete job offer, he would be happier with this job as it's a few minutes from our house so he'd save a fortune on travel expenses (the other job means catching 6 buses a day!).
The positivity on the job front has helped keep his spirits up no end. I don't think I've seen him this happy for such a sustained period of time before. I think he's really looking forward to getting out there and being himself again not just the guy with hep sat at home staring at the same four walls. He can't wait to be financially independant again too. I just hope his health holds outand he doesn't end up suffering with the Hep again. He did say today he's more aware now that he has to take extra good care of his body..plenty of water, decent sleep, light exercise, a very healthy diet and no alcohol.
It was my birthday on Saturday, I had a small glass of Cava to celebrate, no idea what to do with the rest of the bottle though! I think my partners biggest test this year will be next month at our first music "alldayer" of the year. If he can get through that without drinking or just having a couple of pints I'll know he's going to be alright.
If you saw ads on here recently, I started using google adsense but they disabled my account today for using the word shit in my blog. I find that a little ridiculous but there ya go. I thought it might be a nice idea to earn a little bit of money as I blogged - every little helps as they say - perhaps I'll use an alternative or maybe just leave the whole ad thing alone...
My partner has been using a Hep C online support group quite a bit recently and he's finding it very beneficial. Another user of the group who's from the UK was telling him how they're taking part in a treatment trial at the moment so hopefully we can get some more info on that and see if Mr C can jump onboard something similar!
Time for an early night, so it's bye for now
Thursday 16 February 2012
A Job Offer At Last!!
The neighbour popped round at lunchtime with some post which had been wrongly delivered to her house. Turns out Mr C has been offered a job!!! He's ecstatic, we were just on our way out for him to sign on at the job centre so hopefully today will be his last time signing on.
He is a bit worried that they might change their minds when they get all the forms back as one of them asked for an in depth medical history and he's had to make them aware of his Hep C as they'll be checking with the doctor. We'll know by next week if he can start, other than the health stuff it's all looking good and they were keen for him to start a.s.a.p.
Oh well, if they change their mind about him working there, he still has the interview on Monday to fall back on.
He is a bit worried that they might change their minds when they get all the forms back as one of them asked for an in depth medical history and he's had to make them aware of his Hep C as they'll be checking with the doctor. We'll know by next week if he can start, other than the health stuff it's all looking good and they were keen for him to start a.s.a.p.
Oh well, if they change their mind about him working there, he still has the interview on Monday to fall back on.
Aaargh, FLU!
I've been stuck in bed for a couple of days, suffering quite badly with flu. I normally have quite a good immune system and don't get ill often at all. I guess the recent stress I've been under has taken its tll on my rsistence to nasties! I tend to cook a lot so luckily there was plenty of leftover pasta bolognaise for the family to have for lunch. Dinner time was a Pot Noodle a piece which isn't exactly brilliant but they were happy enough!
My partner doesn't really know how to cook, otherwise I know he'd have taken over meal duties. He's spent most of his life living off takeaways and ready meals. Apparently he can make a pretty good curry, maybe I'll let him loose in the kitchen..on the proviso he doesn't use my Global knives or Le Creuset cookware (of which he's alreally broken one!). Luckily he's not fallen victim to the flu as he gets his yearly flu jab because of the Hep C, he's a bit chesty and tired so is fighting something off though.
Despite feeling crappy we're quite excited as he has a job interview on Monday and he says he's got a really good feeling about this one. I'm trying hard not to get too excited though as we've been here before - too many times - and I hate the disappointment. If he does get the job, it'll bring a whole new set of obstacles though. It's 12 hour shifts, 8pm-8am or 8am-8pm. That's going to take a lot out of him and not leave much time for us. But I guess he really needs to be out there doing something and getting some selfworth back. The extra money is desperately needed right now too. The cost of everything has rocketed the past few months - groceries, bills, fuel - it's insanely expensive just to keep a roof over your head, not to mention a car on the road
My partner doesn't really know how to cook, otherwise I know he'd have taken over meal duties. He's spent most of his life living off takeaways and ready meals. Apparently he can make a pretty good curry, maybe I'll let him loose in the kitchen..on the proviso he doesn't use my Global knives or Le Creuset cookware (of which he's alreally broken one!). Luckily he's not fallen victim to the flu as he gets his yearly flu jab because of the Hep C, he's a bit chesty and tired so is fighting something off though.
Despite feeling crappy we're quite excited as he has a job interview on Monday and he says he's got a really good feeling about this one. I'm trying hard not to get too excited though as we've been here before - too many times - and I hate the disappointment. If he does get the job, it'll bring a whole new set of obstacles though. It's 12 hour shifts, 8pm-8am or 8am-8pm. That's going to take a lot out of him and not leave much time for us. But I guess he really needs to be out there doing something and getting some selfworth back. The extra money is desperately needed right now too. The cost of everything has rocketed the past few months - groceries, bills, fuel - it's insanely expensive just to keep a roof over your head, not to mention a car on the road
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Happy Valentines Day!
Things have been very stressful the past few days, hence my not keeping up to blogging! My daughter started with the Flu on Friday and has subsequently passed it on to my partner and I so we're suffering a little with that. Our relationship also hit a slightly rough patch around a week ago and we've been doing our best to work through that. Thankfully, I'm pleased to say we seem to have come out the other side unscathed!
We don't really do arguements. Neither of us will engage in it as we both know how destructive things said in the heat of the moment can be, so one of us will always remove ourselves from the situation until things calm down. This time it was me that did that by jumping in the car and driving round for a few hours to calm down. Nothing serious set the argument of really, I think we're both just feeling the stress of money troubles, the Hep and my Mums cancer. Add to that our insecurities and low self esteem and we ended up with a a slightly fractious situation!
All's good now though. We've spent a lovely Valentines Day together so far. Mr C posted my card so I had a nice surprise in the post. We gave each other boxes of Thorntons chocolates, I made some heart shaped Scottish Shortbread this morning for my partner and he gave me a lovely rose scented candle in a pretty tin. I also made a helium balloon dispay to go on the coffee table which my little girl was mesmerised by - I have a feeling the balloons will end up in her bedroom by the end of the evening!
My partner is going to see the doctor this week to see if he can get anything to help him with his total lack of libido. It's really starting to get him down a lot these days and he's willing to try anything. Fingers crossed there's something available that will help him. We have a pretty perfect relationship really, but a bit more intimacy would make it even stronger and help us both get over some of our insecurites.
We don't really do arguements. Neither of us will engage in it as we both know how destructive things said in the heat of the moment can be, so one of us will always remove ourselves from the situation until things calm down. This time it was me that did that by jumping in the car and driving round for a few hours to calm down. Nothing serious set the argument of really, I think we're both just feeling the stress of money troubles, the Hep and my Mums cancer. Add to that our insecurities and low self esteem and we ended up with a a slightly fractious situation!
All's good now though. We've spent a lovely Valentines Day together so far. Mr C posted my card so I had a nice surprise in the post. We gave each other boxes of Thorntons chocolates, I made some heart shaped Scottish Shortbread this morning for my partner and he gave me a lovely rose scented candle in a pretty tin. I also made a helium balloon dispay to go on the coffee table which my little girl was mesmerised by - I have a feeling the balloons will end up in her bedroom by the end of the evening!
My partner is going to see the doctor this week to see if he can get anything to help him with his total lack of libido. It's really starting to get him down a lot these days and he's willing to try anything. Fingers crossed there's something available that will help him. We have a pretty perfect relationship really, but a bit more intimacy would make it even stronger and help us both get over some of our insecurites.
Thursday 9 February 2012
Putting A Brave Face On...
My last post was meant to be a lot longer! for some reason, my BlackBerry didn't save the entire post so I'll just carry on ;)
I'm dealing with the recent changes to my life in the best way I can; by keeping busy and trying to control what I actually can. I bought some gorgeous red paint and started painting in the living room - just the feature wall - but it looks so much different and little things like this make me feel so much better. I also went online and did a bit of bargain retail therapy, I bought a gorgeous rug, curtains and coffee table for the new lookliving room and a linen set for the guest room. We're having friends come to stay next month for our Anti Racism Alldayer and I thought it'd be nice to revamp the guest room a little. I need to keep busy. If I don't I know I'll just break down in tears and that's not helping anyone.
My partner is still upbeat and proactive. He's being hugely supportive and is feeling positive about things as he got a call from another recruitment agency about a job yesterday. They're checking his referces and will get back to him if he's got an interview so we're keeping our fingers crossed. Unfortunately, nothing came of the call from earlier in the week about the other job - or at least that is what we assume as he's not heard back from either the agency or the company themself.
We'd arranged to spend the day with my parents this Saturday but according to the weather forecasts, we're due a lot of snow tonight and into tomorrow so I might take a drive over this afternoon. My Mum is still refusing to have her lymph nodes biopsied and the hospital need a decision by Friday.
Other than that, we're all feeling well - the healthy diet is still going strong and my partner is still feeling physically better than he has in months which is brilliant. He's still waiting on his appointment with the Consultant at the hospital though.
I'm dealing with the recent changes to my life in the best way I can; by keeping busy and trying to control what I actually can. I bought some gorgeous red paint and started painting in the living room - just the feature wall - but it looks so much different and little things like this make me feel so much better. I also went online and did a bit of bargain retail therapy, I bought a gorgeous rug, curtains and coffee table for the new lookliving room and a linen set for the guest room. We're having friends come to stay next month for our Anti Racism Alldayer and I thought it'd be nice to revamp the guest room a little. I need to keep busy. If I don't I know I'll just break down in tears and that's not helping anyone.
My partner is still upbeat and proactive. He's being hugely supportive and is feeling positive about things as he got a call from another recruitment agency about a job yesterday. They're checking his referces and will get back to him if he's got an interview so we're keeping our fingers crossed. Unfortunately, nothing came of the call from earlier in the week about the other job - or at least that is what we assume as he's not heard back from either the agency or the company themself.
We'd arranged to spend the day with my parents this Saturday but according to the weather forecasts, we're due a lot of snow tonight and into tomorrow so I might take a drive over this afternoon. My Mum is still refusing to have her lymph nodes biopsied and the hospital need a decision by Friday.
Other than that, we're all feeling well - the healthy diet is still going strong and my partner is still feeling physically better than he has in months which is brilliant. He's still waiting on his appointment with the Consultant at the hospital though.
Wednesday 8th February. Digging Deep
Apologies for not posting yesterday (Wednesday). We were still pretty much in shock about my Mums diagnosis.
Despite the fact we were coming to terms wth new, my partner has dug deep and found the strength and positivity to support me through it. I think having something else to focus on has stopped him dwelling on the consequences of his own illness.
Despite the fact we were coming to terms wth new, my partner has dug deep and found the strength and positivity to support me through it. I think having something else to focus on has stopped him dwelling on the consequences of his own illness.
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Just When Things Are Looking Up, My World Comes Crashing Down
To say today has been a bad day would be a bit of an understatement really. My partner woke up in a fairly good mood but that rapidly disappeared when he was reminded by his Social Security payment, of how little money he actually has. It's Valentines Day and then my birthday 4 days after so he's stressing about having enough to buy me something.
This evening I spoke to my parents and they had to break the news to me that my Mum has just been diagnosed with a Stage 2 Invasive Malignant Melanoma. She'd already had the melanoma removed 2 weeks ago but they didn't know it was malignant or that it was as invasive as it is until today. We're all in shock and my Dad is in bits. He's going to convert the upper floor of their house so I can move in to help out if my Mum becomes sick.
It's amazing how much shit life can throw at you when you least expect it. Oh well, I guess the only thing we can do is fight it tooth and nail. I refuse to lose my beautiful Mum to Cancer. And I refuse to lose my partner to Hep C.
Let battle commence .....
This evening I spoke to my parents and they had to break the news to me that my Mum has just been diagnosed with a Stage 2 Invasive Malignant Melanoma. She'd already had the melanoma removed 2 weeks ago but they didn't know it was malignant or that it was as invasive as it is until today. We're all in shock and my Dad is in bits. He's going to convert the upper floor of their house so I can move in to help out if my Mum becomes sick.
It's amazing how much shit life can throw at you when you least expect it. Oh well, I guess the only thing we can do is fight it tooth and nail. I refuse to lose my beautiful Mum to Cancer. And I refuse to lose my partner to Hep C.
Let battle commence .....
The Weekend's Almost Over But The Battle Continues
We've had a fair bit of snow here in the North of England over the past couple of days. The kids were thrilled when we took them to buy a "Twin Toboggan" (basically just a slightly longer sledge!). They could hardly contain their excitement when we finally took them and the dog to the local park for some fun in the snow. A couple of hours later we we're rosy cheeked and ready for hot chocolate at home.
Days like these really help to lift my partners moods. The fresh air and seeing the family smiling and laughing makes him realise he has plenty to live for. I have to say though, we didn't need todays snow day to cheer him up. Today is day 4 of a new happy, positive man. I'm thrilled to see him like this and am hoping this is a sign of things to come.
All we need now is for him to get a job - or win the lottery. Failing that, a new treatment would be fantastic right about now.
Hope everyone has had as good a weekend as we have. Here's to the future....
Days like these really help to lift my partners moods. The fresh air and seeing the family smiling and laughing makes him realise he has plenty to live for. I have to say though, we didn't need todays snow day to cheer him up. Today is day 4 of a new happy, positive man. I'm thrilled to see him like this and am hoping this is a sign of things to come.
All we need now is for him to get a job - or win the lottery. Failing that, a new treatment would be fantastic right about now.
Hope everyone has had as good a weekend as we have. Here's to the future....
Looking Good For The Week Ahead!
Can't believe we've made it 5 days without any dramas, depression or poor health - hopefully this is a sign of things to come. We're still sticking to the healthy eating and carefully selected supplements and I really believe that is why we're doing so well.
I'm making another sausage casserole with mustard mash today. I offered the family the choice of that or chicken stew and dumplings but they chose the casserole AGAIN! And still non the wiser it's vegan haha. To be honest, we very rarely eat red meat. Our diet consists of a lot of seasonal veggies, chicken, fish and meat substitutes. I'm not so keen on Quorn but love the Linda Macartney range (not the ready made stuff so much). I try to cook at least 2-3 vegetarian or vegan meals a week as I feel my family is a lot healthier that way. With two young children who can be picky at times, it helps that I worked as a chef - plenty of tricks up these sleeves!!
My partner got a phonecall just after lunch today from one of the recruitment agencies he's subscribed to. They told him a company was interested in him interviewing for a current vacancy with immediate start for the sucessful candidate. It's a few hours commute each way but the pay is good (£17 p/h) and when you've been out of work a year you can't afford to be choosy. Fingers crossed he gets this job, it will bosst his self esteem no end.
He was telling me the other day how he's constantly battling his feelings. He's feeling pangs of guilt for not being depressed anymore - he thinks he should feel bad that he's out of work, not able to help out financially etc and struggling with the Hep. He knows it sounds ridiculous to think like that but can't help feeling like he's doing something bad by being happy. I can totally understand where he's coming from. But like I've told him, we're managing financially (just about!) and we don't expect anything from him. Him going back to work isn't so much about having a wage as having self worth, a feeling he's doing something and making a difference where it counts.
And on that note, I'm going to head to the kitchen to rustle up a halthy dinner for my beautiful family.
I'm making another sausage casserole with mustard mash today. I offered the family the choice of that or chicken stew and dumplings but they chose the casserole AGAIN! And still non the wiser it's vegan haha. To be honest, we very rarely eat red meat. Our diet consists of a lot of seasonal veggies, chicken, fish and meat substitutes. I'm not so keen on Quorn but love the Linda Macartney range (not the ready made stuff so much). I try to cook at least 2-3 vegetarian or vegan meals a week as I feel my family is a lot healthier that way. With two young children who can be picky at times, it helps that I worked as a chef - plenty of tricks up these sleeves!!
My partner got a phonecall just after lunch today from one of the recruitment agencies he's subscribed to. They told him a company was interested in him interviewing for a current vacancy with immediate start for the sucessful candidate. It's a few hours commute each way but the pay is good (£17 p/h) and when you've been out of work a year you can't afford to be choosy. Fingers crossed he gets this job, it will bosst his self esteem no end.
He was telling me the other day how he's constantly battling his feelings. He's feeling pangs of guilt for not being depressed anymore - he thinks he should feel bad that he's out of work, not able to help out financially etc and struggling with the Hep. He knows it sounds ridiculous to think like that but can't help feeling like he's doing something bad by being happy. I can totally understand where he's coming from. But like I've told him, we're managing financially (just about!) and we don't expect anything from him. Him going back to work isn't so much about having a wage as having self worth, a feeling he's doing something and making a difference where it counts.
And on that note, I'm going to head to the kitchen to rustle up a halthy dinner for my beautiful family.
Sunday, 29th of January. Night sweats and long lie ins.
Today has been hit n miss, but mostly quite a good day. We didn't actually get out of bed until almost lunchtime. It's Sunday, that's allowed isn't it? Mr C had a bad night of broken sleep and sweats. Unusually, I wasn't subjected to the sleep talking rants that wake me most nights. The other night was one of the best for crazy rants. Mr C was fast asleep when he started shouting "get tae f*** you c***" and other obsenities. A few moments later, he was bolt upright and wide awake after biting himself on the arm. I was thankful he'd not bitten me as he was sleeping whilst holding me tight against his chest.
Many a night I've been kicked, punched, knee'd and shoved out of bed in dreaming rants. I've learnt to live with it. In fact, I find it hard to sleep without him jabbering and twitching away beside me.
I've not been very strict with our diet today. I try to make sure with have a healthy diet with plenty of fruit n veg, fibre etc. Today we missed breakfast had cereal for lunch and pizza with salad for dinner. Not the best, we'll see how this affects tonights sleep and how Mr C is feeling tomorrow.
Many a night I've been kicked, punched, knee'd and shoved out of bed in dreaming rants. I've learnt to live with it. In fact, I find it hard to sleep without him jabbering and twitching away beside me.
I've not been very strict with our diet today. I try to make sure with have a healthy diet with plenty of fruit n veg, fibre etc. Today we missed breakfast had cereal for lunch and pizza with salad for dinner. Not the best, we'll see how this affects tonights sleep and how Mr C is feeling tomorrow.
Friday 3 February 2012
The Stigma Of Hep C - As Deadly As The Virus Itself?
Encarta Dictionary describes a stigma as being "a sign of social unacceptability: the shame or disgrace attached to something regarded as socially unacceptable".
Hep C is on the rise, yet shockingly, less and less people seem to aware of the virus itself and how it is spread. There are currently more people living with Hep C than any other chronic blood borne infectious disease. I personally was very surprised to learn this. I had always thought HIV / AIDS held this title. We all learn about HIV / AIDS at some point in our life - usually at school at first. However, although I was aware of Hep C as an adult, I'd never learnt anything about it at school - nor did I know a great until I met my partner.
It is clear that the stigma surrounding Hep C has to be broken. There are two key parts to breaking a disease related stigma : education and self respect. I'll touch on these two points a little later on. The primary reasons for any condition to be stigmatized are lack of compassion, fear and ignorance. Hep C is stigmatized for the following reasons:
1. Fear of transmission 2. Fear of illness 3. Judgement.
The root of all social stigmas is fear of the unkown. Until society as a whole learns the facts about Hep C, false stereotypes fuelled by fear will remain as will the stigma itself.
My partner was terrified about telling me he had Hep C. As I've already mentioned in a previous post, he even denied it when I asked him early on in our relationship. His experiences of telling people have not been so good. Even intelligent, seemingly educated people have shunned him in the past when he told them. I find this heartbreaking. I didn't think any different of him, not even for a second. Yet some people had been callous and downright pathetic in the way they treated him once they knew the truth.
These days Mr C is very careful who he chooses to tell about his condition. only a handful of close friends and his immediate family know. I often think it would be easier if all our friends and family knew. It is often tricky coming up with excuses as to why we can't attend a party or other social engagement e'd areed to - when in actual fact, my partner is going through a bad time with his Hep C (be it mental or physical). He is always very aware of letting people down and feels terrible when he's forced to do this. I tend to think that the vast majority of our friends would be supportive and understanding. But at the end of the day, I understand it is entirely his choice as to who he wishes to tell. Even when we are out, if everyone knew he shouldn't be drinking, he would possibly feel more comfortable not drinking instead of keeping up a dangerous act by 'drinking with the boys' as it were.
I would love to see schools introducing Hep C awareness into their curriculum, perhaps in the form of PHSE / PSE lessons. I also think there needs to be a lot more focus on Harm Reduction.
Hep C is on the rise, yet shockingly, less and less people seem to aware of the virus itself and how it is spread. There are currently more people living with Hep C than any other chronic blood borne infectious disease. I personally was very surprised to learn this. I had always thought HIV / AIDS held this title. We all learn about HIV / AIDS at some point in our life - usually at school at first. However, although I was aware of Hep C as an adult, I'd never learnt anything about it at school - nor did I know a great until I met my partner.
It is clear that the stigma surrounding Hep C has to be broken. There are two key parts to breaking a disease related stigma : education and self respect. I'll touch on these two points a little later on. The primary reasons for any condition to be stigmatized are lack of compassion, fear and ignorance. Hep C is stigmatized for the following reasons:
1. Fear of transmission 2. Fear of illness 3. Judgement.
The root of all social stigmas is fear of the unkown. Until society as a whole learns the facts about Hep C, false stereotypes fuelled by fear will remain as will the stigma itself.
My partner was terrified about telling me he had Hep C. As I've already mentioned in a previous post, he even denied it when I asked him early on in our relationship. His experiences of telling people have not been so good. Even intelligent, seemingly educated people have shunned him in the past when he told them. I find this heartbreaking. I didn't think any different of him, not even for a second. Yet some people had been callous and downright pathetic in the way they treated him once they knew the truth.
These days Mr C is very careful who he chooses to tell about his condition. only a handful of close friends and his immediate family know. I often think it would be easier if all our friends and family knew. It is often tricky coming up with excuses as to why we can't attend a party or other social engagement e'd areed to - when in actual fact, my partner is going through a bad time with his Hep C (be it mental or physical). He is always very aware of letting people down and feels terrible when he's forced to do this. I tend to think that the vast majority of our friends would be supportive and understanding. But at the end of the day, I understand it is entirely his choice as to who he wishes to tell. Even when we are out, if everyone knew he shouldn't be drinking, he would possibly feel more comfortable not drinking instead of keeping up a dangerous act by 'drinking with the boys' as it were.
I would love to see schools introducing Hep C awareness into their curriculum, perhaps in the form of PHSE / PSE lessons. I also think there needs to be a lot more focus on Harm Reduction.
Thank F*** It's Friday!
I have managed to reclaim the laptop from my partner so am taking this opportunity to tinker with the blog. Consequently, my posts are now slightly jumbled from correcting spelling mistakes...hopefully it will still make sense even though it is no longer in chronological order!
My partners good mood and positivity made it through the entire day which is amazing. As I was getting ready for bed he thanked me. When I asked why he was thanking me he said "for putting up with me and my moods, I know it can't be easy. I love you more than life itself, I never want you to forget that." Despite the ups and downs, the emotional and often physical struggles we endure, my life is all the better for having him in it. I tell him this all the time but I'm not sure how much of that he takes on board! He has very low self esteem and often find it hard to believe that someone 12 years younger than he is could love him (and all his flaws - as he sees them). But to be honest, my partner is hands down the most incredible person I've ever met and every day I'm thankful I have him in my life.
We're hoping to have a nice family weekend. We love to take the kids out and do things as a family which hasn't been happening as much as we would like recently. You never know, we might even take a drive out to the coast and have a nice walk along the beach - the chilly sea breeze should be quite invigorating!! If it's too cold and we finally get enough snow, I've promised the kids we'll go sledging so either way it's win win I guess.
My partner has finally joined an online Hep C support forum. He posted about the overwhelming feeling of helplessness he is struggling with at the moment. He's had a lot of responses from people who have been through the same thing and that alone has lifted his spirits a great deal. Suddenly he doesn't feel so alone. I'm always there for him and I try to support him in every way possible but I only those who are going through / have gone through what he is can offer him that understanding that he craves.
My partners good mood and positivity made it through the entire day which is amazing. As I was getting ready for bed he thanked me. When I asked why he was thanking me he said "for putting up with me and my moods, I know it can't be easy. I love you more than life itself, I never want you to forget that." Despite the ups and downs, the emotional and often physical struggles we endure, my life is all the better for having him in it. I tell him this all the time but I'm not sure how much of that he takes on board! He has very low self esteem and often find it hard to believe that someone 12 years younger than he is could love him (and all his flaws - as he sees them). But to be honest, my partner is hands down the most incredible person I've ever met and every day I'm thankful I have him in my life.
We're hoping to have a nice family weekend. We love to take the kids out and do things as a family which hasn't been happening as much as we would like recently. You never know, we might even take a drive out to the coast and have a nice walk along the beach - the chilly sea breeze should be quite invigorating!! If it's too cold and we finally get enough snow, I've promised the kids we'll go sledging so either way it's win win I guess.
My partner has finally joined an online Hep C support forum. He posted about the overwhelming feeling of helplessness he is struggling with at the moment. He's had a lot of responses from people who have been through the same thing and that alone has lifted his spirits a great deal. Suddenly he doesn't feel so alone. I'm always there for him and I try to support him in every way possible but I only those who are going through / have gone through what he is can offer him that understanding that he craves.
Monday 30th of January. Onwards & Upwards
Think I may have spoke too soon in yesterdays update! Not even 10 minutes after I posted, Mr C was in the depths of another depressive mood. He was explaining to me that he had nothing to look forward to anymore, that he was fed up with his life not meaning anything and that he had nothing to give me.
We've been here before. Many, many times. I responded in my usual way, explaining if you're not happy with the way your life is going then you have to find the strength to start making changes. I explained that I neither expect nor want anything at all from him. The fact that this amazing man loves me and is here with me is more than enough. Despite this he feels bad because he's out of work at the minute and has no money to treat me. His slf worth is at an alltime low. We've talked about him doing a few hours a week volunteering - that way he gets out of the house and actually feels like he's doing something and making a difference. Just before I called it a night and headed for bed he thanked me "for saying all the right things". I never know whether what I'm saying is going to be deemed right or wrong but I say what I feel. Luckily it's usually the right thing. Mind you it makes a big difference to know that the little comfort I can offer in the form of mere words is appreciated and makes a difference on some level.
Today Mr C woke up in a fairly good mood. Not a great deal of energy but he seems to have his positive attitude in place which is great. We took the dog to the park and later did the school run and a bit of shopping. At this precise moment in time he's in the kitchen chatting to our little girl whilst I'm in the bath blogging! I really hope he's this happy tomorrow too. I love seeing him smiling and getting on with everyday stuff that is sometimes so unachievable for him.
We've been here before. Many, many times. I responded in my usual way, explaining if you're not happy with the way your life is going then you have to find the strength to start making changes. I explained that I neither expect nor want anything at all from him. The fact that this amazing man loves me and is here with me is more than enough. Despite this he feels bad because he's out of work at the minute and has no money to treat me. His slf worth is at an alltime low. We've talked about him doing a few hours a week volunteering - that way he gets out of the house and actually feels like he's doing something and making a difference. Just before I called it a night and headed for bed he thanked me "for saying all the right things". I never know whether what I'm saying is going to be deemed right or wrong but I say what I feel. Luckily it's usually the right thing. Mind you it makes a big difference to know that the little comfort I can offer in the form of mere words is appreciated and makes a difference on some level.
Today Mr C woke up in a fairly good mood. Not a great deal of energy but he seems to have his positive attitude in place which is great. We took the dog to the park and later did the school run and a bit of shopping. At this precise moment in time he's in the kitchen chatting to our little girl whilst I'm in the bath blogging! I really hope he's this happy tomorrow too. I love seeing him smiling and getting on with everyday stuff that is sometimes so unachievable for him.
Scabby Bollock Of A Day
Well today has got off to a rather bumpy start to say the least. Mr C is in a foul mood and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to lift his spirits. We were supposed to be spending a couple of hours over at a good friends but my appointment to get the car tyres changed was put back a couple of hours and we had to cancel. This doesn't really sound like much of a big thing but when you are depressed with Hep, out of work and feeling shut off from the rest of the world, little things like meeting up with good friends for a coffee is like a lifeline. Whilst we were out getting the tyres changed Mr C said he didn't even know why was alive, that life was just unbearable at the minute and he'd be happier out of it. This hurts to hear, but I guess it hurts a hell of a lot more to be feeling that way.
Mr C has been out of work for just over a year now. He's been applying for every substance misuse job he can, along with all kinds of other jobs in the care work sector and beyond. He's called for interview, told he seems perfect for the job then either doesn't hear anything from them again or is told a few weeks later on that he's not been successful. Constantly getting your hopes up then been let down again is enough to demoralise even the most positive person, but when it's happening to someone who's already depressed, the consequences can be catastrophic.
The ironic thing is that he doesn't have to work. He is more than eligable to stay at home receiving benefits. But that is the last thing he wants, he wants to be out there, helping people and making a difference - doing what he is good at.
I can't wait for today to be over and it's not even 3pm yet! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better, brighter day for us all.
Mr C has been out of work for just over a year now. He's been applying for every substance misuse job he can, along with all kinds of other jobs in the care work sector and beyond. He's called for interview, told he seems perfect for the job then either doesn't hear anything from them again or is told a few weeks later on that he's not been successful. Constantly getting your hopes up then been let down again is enough to demoralise even the most positive person, but when it's happening to someone who's already depressed, the consequences can be catastrophic.
The ironic thing is that he doesn't have to work. He is more than eligable to stay at home receiving benefits. But that is the last thing he wants, he wants to be out there, helping people and making a difference - doing what he is good at.
I can't wait for today to be over and it's not even 3pm yet! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better, brighter day for us all.
It's The Little Things...
I'd posted earlier about what a bad day Mr C was having. I'm very happy and relived to say that things have turned a corner and we're having a rather pleasant evening after all.
It seems plenty of fresh air, a nice relaxing bubble bath, your favourite music and double helpings of one of your favourite meals can lift the spirits. I made sausage casserole with mustard mash which is a firm favourite of Mr C's. With us trying to keep our diet as healthy as possible, I make the casserole with vegan sauages, a huge selection of fresh vegetables and as little salt as possible. For the mash I used 3/4 potatoes and 1/4 sweet potato with skimmed milk, vegan margarine and a spoon of wholegrain dijon mustard. Even my hardened carnivore of a man didn't suspect he was eating a healthy vegetarian meal!
Fingers crossed the good mood makes it through the rest of the evening and perhaps even on to tomorrow...
It seems plenty of fresh air, a nice relaxing bubble bath, your favourite music and double helpings of one of your favourite meals can lift the spirits. I made sausage casserole with mustard mash which is a firm favourite of Mr C's. With us trying to keep our diet as healthy as possible, I make the casserole with vegan sauages, a huge selection of fresh vegetables and as little salt as possible. For the mash I used 3/4 potatoes and 1/4 sweet potato with skimmed milk, vegan margarine and a spoon of wholegrain dijon mustard. Even my hardened carnivore of a man didn't suspect he was eating a healthy vegetarian meal!
Fingers crossed the good mood makes it through the rest of the evening and perhaps even on to tomorrow...
Emotional Rollercoaster
Today has been quite odd to be honest. Usually, when my partner is down or ill with his Hep, I feel a little blue too. Similarily, when he's feeling optimistic and his health is good then I am a lot more cheery. Don't get me wrong, I always put on a brave face and try to lift his spirits when he's down, I don't like him to see me depressed about his health as it just adds to his stress and depression. But today, despite him being quite upbeat and his health seemingly OK, I've been left feeling drained after the last few days emotional rollercoaster ride. I just feel flat!
Maybe a little of it is to do with the shocking nights sleep I had yesterday. Mr C was in bed late but up and down like a yoyo, he just couldn't seem to settle. I lost count of the number of times he sat up in bed having a smoke and the amount of trips to the bathroom. I was up at 7am to get the kids ready for school so I've probably only had 4 or 5 hours sleep tops.
I was looking at some literature today on how food affects our body and which foods are beneficial to particular dissorders etc. It made very interesting reading and I'll certainly be implementing some of my new found knowledge!
Maybe a little of it is to do with the shocking nights sleep I had yesterday. Mr C was in bed late but up and down like a yoyo, he just couldn't seem to settle. I lost count of the number of times he sat up in bed having a smoke and the amount of trips to the bathroom. I was up at 7am to get the kids ready for school so I've probably only had 4 or 5 hours sleep tops.
I was looking at some literature today on how food affects our body and which foods are beneficial to particular dissorders etc. It made very interesting reading and I'll certainly be implementing some of my new found knowledge!
Food For Thought Part 1
Today we have had a major breakthrough in the way my partner has been feeling both mentally and physically. Over the last few months he's been suffering with stomach / digestion problems, depression, insomnia, fatigue and liver pains. He had bloods taken and his GP said his liver function was worse than ever although his heart and kidneys were working very well. He's waiting for an appointment with his Consultant at the local hospital.
A few weeks ago I bought Milk Thistle tablets (8580mg) and a big bag of oat bran. My partner has been having 1-2 of the Milk Thistle tablets each day and a few dessert spoons of the oat bran on his cereal every morning. In addition to this we've upped his Vitamin C intake with effervesent tablets and Ribena. The results, although gradual have meant that my partners digestion is vastly improved, he's less fatigued, is sleeping better, has had no liver pains and is more upbeat than ever. I'm going to include a few more foods and supplements into our diet over the coming weeks and will share with you what these are and why I'm choosing to do so.
The first food that we're going to try is Brazil Nuts. Why? Because they are rich in Selenium. Selenium is fantastic for many reasons. The two that I am most interested in are it is a natural anti depressent and that it is one of natures most effective tools in warding off various types of cancer (including breast, esophageal, stomach, prostate, liver and bladder).
The next foods come in the form of two lists - I will definitely make sure these are all included in our diet - althouugh most are already, though perhaps not as frequently as they should be.
10 Foods To Help Beat Depression:
1. Oily fish (Omega 3's)
2. Brazil Nuts (Selenium)
3. Bananas
4. Brown Rice
5. Porridge Oats
6. Vitamin B (liver, eggs, Marmite)
7. Chocolate (1 small piece of dark chocolate- 70% cocoa +)
8. Fruit (2 pieces of fruit a day)
9. Green leafy veg
10. Herbal & fruit teas (mainly to replace the caffeinated drinks)
14 Foods That Cleanse The Liver:
1. Garlic
2. Grapefruit
3. Beets & Carrots
4. Green Tea
5. Leafy Greens
6. Avocados
7. Apples
8. Olive Oil
9. Whole Grains
10. Cruciferous Veg
11. Lemons & Limes
12. Walnuts
13. Cabbage
14. Turmeric
Now, back to Milk Thistle. If you have Hep C, you've probably heard about it but just incase you haven't already - here's the lowdown.
Milk Thistle interferes with Hep C replication. That in itself is a marvelous thing, but wait, it gets better. It may protect the liver from injury by a variety of toxins such as drugs, viruses, alcohol, radiation etc. Milk Thistle won't cure liver disease but it CAN improve the way the liver functions in patients with cirrhosis.
The beneficial quality in Milk Thistle is Silymarin. It promotes the growth of some types of cells in the liver, it is also a very effective antioxident. Silymarin can prevent free radicals from damaging liver cells. Studies have shown that it can block various types of toxins from entering and injuring liver cells. It is also thought to prevent inflammation of the liver.
Something I discovered today which needs more research, is something called L-Ornithorne - L-aspartate, it has been proven to significally improve liver function. The study I read said 18g per day would achieve this although 5-10g is typically used. I'm going to pop down to my local health food store and see if they stock it. At this point, we are willing to give anything a go whilst we wait for some new treatments.
Going back to depression, which my partner has suffered from long before he was infected with Hep C, can be alleviated by certain foods. As I've just mentioned, Selenium rich foods (grains, seafood, cereals & meat but most notably Brazil Nuts) help, as does Folic Acid rich foods. Calcium is beneficial to mood swings which often accompany depression. An extra glass of skimmed milk or serving of greens a day can help alleviate mood swings.
I will update you in a month or so, on how our new diet is working.
A few weeks ago I bought Milk Thistle tablets (8580mg) and a big bag of oat bran. My partner has been having 1-2 of the Milk Thistle tablets each day and a few dessert spoons of the oat bran on his cereal every morning. In addition to this we've upped his Vitamin C intake with effervesent tablets and Ribena. The results, although gradual have meant that my partners digestion is vastly improved, he's less fatigued, is sleeping better, has had no liver pains and is more upbeat than ever. I'm going to include a few more foods and supplements into our diet over the coming weeks and will share with you what these are and why I'm choosing to do so.
The first food that we're going to try is Brazil Nuts. Why? Because they are rich in Selenium. Selenium is fantastic for many reasons. The two that I am most interested in are it is a natural anti depressent and that it is one of natures most effective tools in warding off various types of cancer (including breast, esophageal, stomach, prostate, liver and bladder).
The next foods come in the form of two lists - I will definitely make sure these are all included in our diet - althouugh most are already, though perhaps not as frequently as they should be.
10 Foods To Help Beat Depression:
1. Oily fish (Omega 3's)
2. Brazil Nuts (Selenium)
3. Bananas
4. Brown Rice
5. Porridge Oats
6. Vitamin B (liver, eggs, Marmite)
7. Chocolate (1 small piece of dark chocolate- 70% cocoa +)
8. Fruit (2 pieces of fruit a day)
9. Green leafy veg
10. Herbal & fruit teas (mainly to replace the caffeinated drinks)
14 Foods That Cleanse The Liver:
1. Garlic
2. Grapefruit
3. Beets & Carrots
4. Green Tea
5. Leafy Greens
6. Avocados
7. Apples
8. Olive Oil
9. Whole Grains
10. Cruciferous Veg
11. Lemons & Limes
12. Walnuts
13. Cabbage
14. Turmeric
Now, back to Milk Thistle. If you have Hep C, you've probably heard about it but just incase you haven't already - here's the lowdown.
Milk Thistle interferes with Hep C replication. That in itself is a marvelous thing, but wait, it gets better. It may protect the liver from injury by a variety of toxins such as drugs, viruses, alcohol, radiation etc. Milk Thistle won't cure liver disease but it CAN improve the way the liver functions in patients with cirrhosis.
The beneficial quality in Milk Thistle is Silymarin. It promotes the growth of some types of cells in the liver, it is also a very effective antioxident. Silymarin can prevent free radicals from damaging liver cells. Studies have shown that it can block various types of toxins from entering and injuring liver cells. It is also thought to prevent inflammation of the liver.
Something I discovered today which needs more research, is something called L-Ornithorne - L-aspartate, it has been proven to significally improve liver function. The study I read said 18g per day would achieve this although 5-10g is typically used. I'm going to pop down to my local health food store and see if they stock it. At this point, we are willing to give anything a go whilst we wait for some new treatments.
Going back to depression, which my partner has suffered from long before he was infected with Hep C, can be alleviated by certain foods. As I've just mentioned, Selenium rich foods (grains, seafood, cereals & meat but most notably Brazil Nuts) help, as does Folic Acid rich foods. Calcium is beneficial to mood swings which often accompany depression. An extra glass of skimmed milk or serving of greens a day can help alleviate mood swings.
I will update you in a month or so, on how our new diet is working.
Tuesday 31 January 2012
A Glimmer Of Hope...Or Is It?
Why does the UK seem to so far behind the US and other countries in the treatment and mangement of Hep C? We were looking for a local Hep C support group recently and couldn't find one at all. My partner was working as a Criminal Justice Drugs Worker for 6 years and one of his tasks was setting up a Hep C support group in a city 30 miles away - that group seems to be the closest one to us. Am I unreasonable to think there should be a Hep support group in every City? UPDATE: My mistake, there are actually 2 support groups here, however neither are suitable for my partners needs. One reason is that he worked as a drugs worker, all his clients with Hep C go to these groups and he doesn't want them to see him. Another is that a lot of the people who go to these groups don't actually have Hep! Refreshments are served and it's more of a social event than a support group (a lot of the local homeless attend). Another reason is that he doesn't think the people running the groups have sufficient knowledge on the subject and cannot offer him the support he needs....
Not to mention the treatments. I read a very interesting article last year, documenting the REALIZE study. If you're not familiar with it, it was a phase 3 study of Telaprevir (a direct acting anti viral agent) which involved patients with Genotype 1 Hep C who had previously failed to respond to currently available treatments. The study showed that 83% of these patients who had previously relapsed on existing treatments, were successfully cured with the Telaprevir.
So when exactly is Telaprevir going to be available in the UK to those who fall into the above catagory? This treatment sounds perfect for my partner. Not just perfect but possibly his only hope of beating Hep C. Once his system is clear of the virus we could begin to look into lengthening his life with a transplant which obviously would be impossible at this stage.
If I look online for research studies, drug trials etc, everything seems to be happening in the US. The closest we've found in the UK are volunteers required to give blood and tissue samples for investigation. That's all well and good but where are the clinical trials??
I feel like we are being kept in the dark and it so frustrating.
Not to mention the treatments. I read a very interesting article last year, documenting the REALIZE study. If you're not familiar with it, it was a phase 3 study of Telaprevir (a direct acting anti viral agent) which involved patients with Genotype 1 Hep C who had previously failed to respond to currently available treatments. The study showed that 83% of these patients who had previously relapsed on existing treatments, were successfully cured with the Telaprevir.
So when exactly is Telaprevir going to be available in the UK to those who fall into the above catagory? This treatment sounds perfect for my partner. Not just perfect but possibly his only hope of beating Hep C. Once his system is clear of the virus we could begin to look into lengthening his life with a transplant which obviously would be impossible at this stage.
If I look online for research studies, drug trials etc, everything seems to be happening in the US. The closest we've found in the UK are volunteers required to give blood and tissue samples for investigation. That's all well and good but where are the clinical trials??
I feel like we are being kept in the dark and it so frustrating.
Monday 30 January 2012
Risk Factors - At What Point Does Being Careful Become Being Paranoid?
When I first found out my partner had Hep C I was livid. Not that he had it soo much as the fact that he'd deliberately kept in from me. we'd been in a sexual relationship for about 5 or 6 months. I know the risk of contracting Hep C through intercourse is classed as being extremely low to nil but it doesn't stop you panicking. I started thinking of the times I'd kissed him when he'd cut his lip or when I'd stuck a plaster on his finger...
I made an appointment the next day to see my G.P - hoping to put my mind at ease and get advice on how best to protect myself and the kids from being infected. My doctor was great, he told me straight away to stop panicking and arranged for immediate blood tests. He said that he wanted me to have a full viral assessment saying if my partner had hidden his Hep C from me, what else could he be hiding? Me and Mr C want to have children together and I was worried it might not be safe under the circumstance. My doctor explained that we would be fine trying for a baby and that if I hadn't already been infected, that it was highly unlikely I would become infected in the future.
My blood tests came back 10 days later and all were negative thankfully. Since then I've never worried about contracting Hep C through sex and it's great being able to have that normality.
We do follow general 'safety' though. The kids know they are not to use or touch my partners toothbrush and razor. We've never told them about the Hep, just that you can get ill from touching those things. The other week Mr C had filled the sink ready to do the washing up and just before he started had cut his hand quite badly on a piece of glass outside. Without thinking, he went straight over to the sink to do the washing up. At which point I'm dashing across the kitchen telling him to leave it and that I'll do the dishes. There was a stunned silence then Mr C walked away and joked he'd cut his hand just to get out of doing the dishes. This is a good example of how he tries to deal with things, by making a joke of it. I know he was hurt that I stopped him but I don't want to risk the safety of the rest of the family.
I made an appointment the next day to see my G.P - hoping to put my mind at ease and get advice on how best to protect myself and the kids from being infected. My doctor was great, he told me straight away to stop panicking and arranged for immediate blood tests. He said that he wanted me to have a full viral assessment saying if my partner had hidden his Hep C from me, what else could he be hiding? Me and Mr C want to have children together and I was worried it might not be safe under the circumstance. My doctor explained that we would be fine trying for a baby and that if I hadn't already been infected, that it was highly unlikely I would become infected in the future.
My blood tests came back 10 days later and all were negative thankfully. Since then I've never worried about contracting Hep C through sex and it's great being able to have that normality.
We do follow general 'safety' though. The kids know they are not to use or touch my partners toothbrush and razor. We've never told them about the Hep, just that you can get ill from touching those things. The other week Mr C had filled the sink ready to do the washing up and just before he started had cut his hand quite badly on a piece of glass outside. Without thinking, he went straight over to the sink to do the washing up. At which point I'm dashing across the kitchen telling him to leave it and that I'll do the dishes. There was a stunned silence then Mr C walked away and joked he'd cut his hand just to get out of doing the dishes. This is a good example of how he tries to deal with things, by making a joke of it. I know he was hurt that I stopped him but I don't want to risk the safety of the rest of the family.
Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don't
Obviously, one thing that is vitally important in any relationship is support. This is even more true when your partner has Hep. There is however, a fine line between support and smothering as I have found out.
Mr C was told by his consultant that he had to adopt a very healthy lifestyle - plenty of exercise, a strict diet, no alcohol (maximum intake of 1 pint a month). Since we've lived together, Mr C has lost over 1.5 stone in weight which is due to me only cooking healthy food and cutting right back on snack foods. He is fine with the diet, mostly. Every once in a while he craves pepperoni pizza. Not a good meal for someone with a sick liver really but he feels like he has to have he things from time to time. We reach a compromise, he can have the pizza if it's thin and he eats plenty of salad with it. That way he gets his pizza fix and I don't feel so bad for letting him have it as it's balanced out a little with the salad.
I tend to play the bad guy in our relationship. We have a lot of fantastic friends who we love to spend time with. Unfortunately, that time tends to be weekends or evenings at gigs or other events where alcohol is served. Even something as simple as having friends over for a meal can lead to frustration because Mr C is a social drinker. Booze for me is simple - I can take it or leave it. According to Mr C, I am odd because I drink alcohol because I like the taste not the effect it has on me. To be fair I never get steaming drunk anyway, just a little merry tops. But Mr C drinks because he enjoys the effect. It's only when he has a few drinks inside him that he can relax around people and let all his Hep worries go.
So now's the part where I end up being a bitch. Do I let him carry on downing pints or do I gently remind him that the booze is doing him more harm than good? We go out with a 3-4 pint limit. I know it'd be pointless asking Mr C not to drink, he'd rather not go out at all. We went out recently for his birthday, just a nice night out with friends - a meal then a few drinks in the local pub. Well, that was the plan. We staggered home at 4:30am. Mr C had drunk a ridiculous amount, despite me voicing my concerns every time he went to the bar. At one point I was in tears, practically begging him to stop. He made it quite clear it wasn't my place to say how much he should or shouldn't drink. That I ''have no idea what it's like to live with a terminal illness''. Exactly. I have no idea what it is like, I can only begin to imagine. What I do know is that I have to watch the man I love damage himself and lessen the time we will have together. That my little girl adores him and has called him Daddy for the past year, that she is going to have to be told at some point that her Daddy is dying.
I keep thinking that if it was me with Hep C, I'd be doing everything in my power to lengthen my life and improve my quality of life in the long run. That's what I like to think I'd do...but when it comes down to it, I don't know how I'd react to it at all. I might be like Mr C and think fuck it; I'm only on this earth once and my life has been cut short as it is, I'm going to enjoy every second I can.
Mr C was told by his consultant that he had to adopt a very healthy lifestyle - plenty of exercise, a strict diet, no alcohol (maximum intake of 1 pint a month). Since we've lived together, Mr C has lost over 1.5 stone in weight which is due to me only cooking healthy food and cutting right back on snack foods. He is fine with the diet, mostly. Every once in a while he craves pepperoni pizza. Not a good meal for someone with a sick liver really but he feels like he has to have he things from time to time. We reach a compromise, he can have the pizza if it's thin and he eats plenty of salad with it. That way he gets his pizza fix and I don't feel so bad for letting him have it as it's balanced out a little with the salad.
I tend to play the bad guy in our relationship. We have a lot of fantastic friends who we love to spend time with. Unfortunately, that time tends to be weekends or evenings at gigs or other events where alcohol is served. Even something as simple as having friends over for a meal can lead to frustration because Mr C is a social drinker. Booze for me is simple - I can take it or leave it. According to Mr C, I am odd because I drink alcohol because I like the taste not the effect it has on me. To be fair I never get steaming drunk anyway, just a little merry tops. But Mr C drinks because he enjoys the effect. It's only when he has a few drinks inside him that he can relax around people and let all his Hep worries go.
So now's the part where I end up being a bitch. Do I let him carry on downing pints or do I gently remind him that the booze is doing him more harm than good? We go out with a 3-4 pint limit. I know it'd be pointless asking Mr C not to drink, he'd rather not go out at all. We went out recently for his birthday, just a nice night out with friends - a meal then a few drinks in the local pub. Well, that was the plan. We staggered home at 4:30am. Mr C had drunk a ridiculous amount, despite me voicing my concerns every time he went to the bar. At one point I was in tears, practically begging him to stop. He made it quite clear it wasn't my place to say how much he should or shouldn't drink. That I ''have no idea what it's like to live with a terminal illness''. Exactly. I have no idea what it is like, I can only begin to imagine. What I do know is that I have to watch the man I love damage himself and lessen the time we will have together. That my little girl adores him and has called him Daddy for the past year, that she is going to have to be told at some point that her Daddy is dying.
I keep thinking that if it was me with Hep C, I'd be doing everything in my power to lengthen my life and improve my quality of life in the long run. That's what I like to think I'd do...but when it comes down to it, I don't know how I'd react to it at all. I might be like Mr C and think fuck it; I'm only on this earth once and my life has been cut short as it is, I'm going to enjoy every second I can.
Sunday 29 January 2012
Sex...
OK. I'll warn you now. Sex is probably going to crop up a fair bit in this blog. I wouldn't go as far as to say I'm a nympho..though I have been called one on a number of occassions.
Hep C will play havoc with your sex life.
Before I knew my partner had Hep, we had a fantastic sex life. Neither of us could get enough. As soon as he admitted he had Hep, things took a turn for the worse. He says that he struggles with the idea of sex as he feels "dirty" by "carrying the virus". It doesn't matter how many times I tell him nothing has changed and I don't feel any different towards him at all, he finds it hard to believe.
Psychological issues aside, there is also the fact that with Hep C comes fatigue, nausea, loss of libido etc, etc. Mr C (my partner), beats himself up constantly because he feels inadequate. We are lucky if we get to have sex a couple of times a month. Because of this, he is always paranoid that I'll get bored of him and leave him for someone else. This is never going to happen by the way. I love my man more than life itself and he knows that, despite the fact he has trouble accepting it.
I spend a lot more time than I'd care to admit being totally and utterly frustrated. The fact that I feel I can't let my frustration show (for fear of upsetting Mr C) makes matters even worse.
I'm not sure where we go from here. All I can do really is be patient with my partner and hope he gets past this problem somehow. He gets so depressed about our (lack of) sex life. He's joked about Viagra many times, the doctor even told him to watch porn to see if it helps - it doesn't! We'll still watch it anyway..who knows hey?! Until things get back to "normal" I guess I'll just carry on enjoying the limited sex life we do have. It IS limited but the little we do have is GREAT.
Hep C will play havoc with your sex life.
Before I knew my partner had Hep, we had a fantastic sex life. Neither of us could get enough. As soon as he admitted he had Hep, things took a turn for the worse. He says that he struggles with the idea of sex as he feels "dirty" by "carrying the virus". It doesn't matter how many times I tell him nothing has changed and I don't feel any different towards him at all, he finds it hard to believe.
Psychological issues aside, there is also the fact that with Hep C comes fatigue, nausea, loss of libido etc, etc. Mr C (my partner), beats himself up constantly because he feels inadequate. We are lucky if we get to have sex a couple of times a month. Because of this, he is always paranoid that I'll get bored of him and leave him for someone else. This is never going to happen by the way. I love my man more than life itself and he knows that, despite the fact he has trouble accepting it.
I spend a lot more time than I'd care to admit being totally and utterly frustrated. The fact that I feel I can't let my frustration show (for fear of upsetting Mr C) makes matters even worse.
I'm not sure where we go from here. All I can do really is be patient with my partner and hope he gets past this problem somehow. He gets so depressed about our (lack of) sex life. He's joked about Viagra many times, the doctor even told him to watch porn to see if it helps - it doesn't! We'll still watch it anyway..who knows hey?! Until things get back to "normal" I guess I'll just carry on enjoying the limited sex life we do have. It IS limited but the little we do have is GREAT.
Where It All Began
I met my partner (let's call him Mr C) back in 2010. I'd recently ended my 10 year marriage and was looking o get my life back on track and gain some stability for my kids. Mr C was a breath of fresh air; quick witted, brutally honest, very caring and generally amazing to be around. Maybe a bit cliched but we just seemed to click. I made it clear from the start that I wasn't looking for a relationship and he said he was happy to take the friendship I was offering but live in hope of a little more. Luckily for both of us, he grew on me and after a few weeks of spending almost every day together, I finally conceded and we tentatively began a relationship.
It was during these first few months that I started to notice his moods. He would be happy one minute and in the darkest mood the next. He explained that he suffered with depression, I've battled with it since the 90's so could understand where he was coming from. I didn't think much more about it to be honest. Then he would get ill, sometimes after drinking, sometimes from eating certain foods. Stomach problems flared up and I noticed dark, yellowish shadows around his eyes. Then one day he explained that he had some liver damage, that due to his past his liver was very scared and affected his health in various ways. I already knew that he had previously been an I.V drug user for almost 20 years, so with his various health issues I thought it wise to ask if he had Hep C. His answer was immediate ''No, of course I don't. I've never had Hep in my life''.
A few months after we had that conversation, it came out that he did have Hep C. He had gone through a year of gruelling treatment which had been unsuccessful. Mr C has Genotype 1 HCV (Hep C) which is often hard to treat.
Every day is a new experience living with someone with Hep C. I never know what to expect - what kind of a mood he'll be in, how his health will be. Each day is just a case of suck it n see. Sometimes Mr C is exausted just getting out of bed and dressed in the morning. He suffers from terrible nightmares and night time can get a little rough - I've been punched and kicked on occasion and all whilst he is fast asleep.
So this is where my blog comes in. I'm going to start giving a day by day account of the trials and tribulations of living with Hep C.....
It was during these first few months that I started to notice his moods. He would be happy one minute and in the darkest mood the next. He explained that he suffered with depression, I've battled with it since the 90's so could understand where he was coming from. I didn't think much more about it to be honest. Then he would get ill, sometimes after drinking, sometimes from eating certain foods. Stomach problems flared up and I noticed dark, yellowish shadows around his eyes. Then one day he explained that he had some liver damage, that due to his past his liver was very scared and affected his health in various ways. I already knew that he had previously been an I.V drug user for almost 20 years, so with his various health issues I thought it wise to ask if he had Hep C. His answer was immediate ''No, of course I don't. I've never had Hep in my life''.
A few months after we had that conversation, it came out that he did have Hep C. He had gone through a year of gruelling treatment which had been unsuccessful. Mr C has Genotype 1 HCV (Hep C) which is often hard to treat.
Every day is a new experience living with someone with Hep C. I never know what to expect - what kind of a mood he'll be in, how his health will be. Each day is just a case of suck it n see. Sometimes Mr C is exausted just getting out of bed and dressed in the morning. He suffers from terrible nightmares and night time can get a little rough - I've been punched and kicked on occasion and all whilst he is fast asleep.
So this is where my blog comes in. I'm going to start giving a day by day account of the trials and tribulations of living with Hep C.....
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