Well, I am finally back to the land of blogging after taking a short break. I wish I could say we actually went on a break away somewhere but we didn't - I just didn't have the right state of mind to get on here and update you.
My partners moods have been very up and down, he's not sleeping well either which doesn't help. Every night it takes him hours to get off to sleep and when he finally does, he's plagued with nightmares. We had been invited to a fundraising event on Friday and Saturday - a music even to raise money for various womens charities. The organiser knows us and our money situation and had told us she'd let us in for free. Unfortunately, on our way over, my partner suddenly went into one of "black moods" and we decided to turn round and come home. As much as I was looking forward to going out and seeing some of our friends, I didn't want to risk Mr C getting into fights. his black moods as he calls them make him full of rage and he feels incredibly violent. I know he'd never touch me or the children but it would only take something tiny to make him fly off the handle with someone else.
We drove over to see one of his best friends at the weekend. They used to work together and she acts as his therapist. He was very disappointed that we only got to see her for 10 minutes as she was busy with family stuff but thay have arranged to meet for dinner today. I just hope he doesn't cancel like he did last month when he was feeling depressed and didn't want to see anyone.
A few nights ago my partner took me by surprised and told me he wanted us to try for a baby. I was very taken aback as I didn't think he was ready emotioonally for such a big commitment. I told him the thought of us trying for a baby was lovely and we left it at that. However, the next day he was quite ill. He thinks it's his liver as he's extremely tired and feeling nausious all te time. He's also been suffering with bad diarroeah for a couple of days too. He was laid on the sofa when he told me he thinks his liver is "on the way out". I'm not really sure where that leaves us to be honest. I would love us to have a baby but I am terrified by the thought of him being very ill and then dying, leaving me with a baby to bring up on my own. I guess that sounds selfish. I already have two children and know how hard it has been raising them. I desperately want us to be able to have children together but at the same time I have to take into consideration the emotional rollercoaster we will all have to endure if my partner gets ill. Is it fair to bring a child into thhis world, knowing full well one of its parents is not going to be around to watch them grow up?
I know there are no guarantees in life. I could die tomorrow, any of us could. But when you have been told you have around 5 years, is it wise to stick your head in the sand and just live for today?
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